BORRASCA - Bagian 5 - Chapter 7 (English)

I could feel I was moving before I even opened my eyes. It was the gentle, swaying cadence of a car on the highway. Instead of coming awake slowly like I preferred I bolted upright in a panic. Kimber was driving and she didn’t look away from the road.

“Are you okay?” I asked her.

“No.”

“I was…“ I was starting to remember what had happened on the mountain. “I’m- I’m sorry.”

Kimber didn’t respond.

“Did I walk to the car?” I was sure I knew the answer, but hoped I was wrong.

“No. You were dragged to the car.” It was actually impressive that she could drag a full grown man through 200 yards of snow. I was constantly underestimating Kimber.

“Look…” I rubbed my face and realized my hands were like ice. I laid them over the heaters on the dashboard. “I mean, the good news is that Borrasca is gone and no one is suffering anymore.”

“No one?” She yelled. “Me. Me, Sam, I’m suffering!” Her voice was scratchy; it was obvious she had been crying, and judging by the current time, probably for hours.

“I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant.” I said.

“You don’t fucking get it. If Borrasca is gone than that means my source lied. He lied. Not just about Borrasca, but about everything.”

“Yeah, K, but we knew that was always a possibility.”

“A possibility, yes, but I still had hope. Hope that he was right about everything. Hope that there was a chance Kyle would come back!”

“Look, we need to accept the facts, okay? Borrasca is gone, dismantled. It clearly hasn’t been there for years. So either your source doesn’t know actually know anything or he’s trying to trick you for some reason. But either way, Kimber: he’s lying to you.”

She slammed her hands on the steering wheel and openly sobbed.

“I’m sorry, K.” I said quietly. “I should have realized Borrasca was gone, with the town gone to shit and everything. Why did he even want us here, this guy? Who is he?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” Kimber’s voice cracked.

“Yes it does; it sure as fuck matters to me. Who was your source, Kimber?”

She shook her head but said nothing.

“Goddamn it, Kimber why don’t you trust me? I was fully prepared to die at your side today but you still don’t trust me!”

“I trust you, Sam. I do. I know you would never intentionally hurt me. But you have completely given up on everything – your life, yourself, and on me. You’re irrational and unpredictable. If it was just my life at risk, I would tell you everything he told me. But this is about Kyle, too.”

“And what else did he tell you, Kimber? What other promises did he make?”

She shrugged and wiped the tears away from her face. “He said he had seen some medical records and that he could get them for me. Medical information for some of the Borrasca born babies in town, and my mom, and- and Kyle.”

“Kyle.” I snapped. “Always back to Kyle.”

“He was our friend, Sam.”

“Yeah, he was my best friend. And I watched him get beaten to death and I saw the aftermath. You’re being fooled, Kimber. Stop torturing yourself, he’s gone.” I didn’t want to pick at my motivations for believing it so adamantly, but I saw in the ether of my mind the raw truth of it. I knew that the real reason I was so sure Kyle was braindead was because I couldn’t bear the thought that I had been wrong, and that I had left my best friend alone in this den of monsters. I couldn’t handle any more guilt in this life.

“I know that now.” Kimber said, the sobs racking her body. “I know he’s gone.”

But I didn’t stop. I couldn’t stop. I was a monster now, too, driven by the unseen.

“And what would you have done if Kyle was just sedated, K? No, I really want to know.”

“What do you mean? I would get him out of here!” She cried.

“And then? When you told him the truth about who he is? About who you are? You read the same letter I did; things can never be the same between you.”

“I would never tell him any of that.” Kimber spat. Her eyes were red from crying and her fair skin was already so pale. She seemed so delicate, but I knew she wasn’t, I knew she could take more. I wanted to push her buttons. I wanted her to hit me, scream at me, push me out of the car on the interstate. I needed the pain, I deserved all of it and more.

“Then I would tell him.” I said. “Because it would be cruel to lie to him.”

“No!” She screamed. “It would be cruel to tell him the truth! He can never know, Sam! Never!”

“You have to tell him, Kimber.” I said bitterly. “He’s your brother.”

“No!” Kimber was beginning to shudder. “Stop, no, please!”

“If this was really your plan all along, then Kyle is lucky he’s dead.”

“No!” Kimber was now shaking so badly it looked like she was about to have a seizure. She was beginning to lose control of the car. What the fuck was I doing? And why? I pushed my fingers into my temples. I wanted to die but I didn’t want her to die.  I had to get her to stop the car.

“Pull over.” I said quietly. I had to get her to calm down.

“Fuck you!” She yelled.

“Pull over, Kimber!” I reached over to grab the wheel but Kimber slammed on the brakes and we were suddenly skidding to the side of the road. This time I didn’t hit my head, as it turned out Kimber had buckled me in to her car. The Mazda bumped up against the metal gate that lined this side of the highway and Kimber threw the car in park. She laid her head and arms on the steering wheel and balled like I hadn’t seen since her mother died. I sat next to her and watched her pain, stunned by my own callousness and cruelty. I loved this girl like a sister, more than I had even loved my own. Why was I trying to hurt her? I was so out of control. It wasn’t me. It didn’t feel like me. The monster inside me begged for a fix and if I didn’t feed it soon it would continue to control me. And I would get us both killed.

“What do you want from me, Sam.” Kimber whimpered.

I held up my hand to touch her back but remembered that Kimber didn’t like being touched. Least of all by me.

“They took everything from me,” She said quietly. “My mom. You. My- my body. My ability to ever have babies. I can’t let them take Kyle, too, Sam. If there’s even a chance.” She looked up at me then. “Do I not deserve a sliver of happiness? Even just a little before I die? What did I do that was so wrong? Why does God hate me?”

I shook my head. I had no words.

“Why do you hate me?” She whispered.

“I don’t. Oh God, I don’t, Kimber. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m a piece of shit.” I felt like I had apologized to her every hour or so since she’d come to Chicago. She deserved better than me. She deserved Kyle. But I knew she’d never get him. “Why don’t you let me drive back to the hotel.”

“The hotel? Why would we go back there? They know we’re here. We’re almost to the border, let’s just get out of Missouri.”

“But…what about our stuff?” My heroin.

            Kimber wiped her eyes. “Buy new stuff, it’s not worth your life.” But we were seven hours from Chicago and I knew I was less than half an hour away from a meltdown if I didn’t get back to the hotel.

“Look, we’ll just go back real quick and I’ll run up and get our stuff. I’m poor, Kimber, I need my stuff.”

I could tell by the thinly veiled look of pain she gave me that she knew the real reason I wanted to backtrack to the Prince Ridge.

And then her eyes sort of dulled over like her soul was melting away. “Sure. I don’t fucking care anymore. The person I came here for is gone. I’m going to sleep.” Kimber crawled into the backseat and curled up into a ball.

“I’ll make it quick.” I said, and moved over into the driver’s seat. I could hear Kimber crying all the way back to Drisking.